If Men Were Moms

• Play dates would be called Playstation dates.
  
• Sex might actually be the second to the first thing that pops up in their thoughts.
  
• Appropriate starter cartoons for toddlers would be "Family Guy", "American Dad", and "King of The Hill."
  
• Women's intuition/6th sense would no longer be exclusive to women.
  
• A woman would be president- Let's see a man juggle bullshit politics and raising babies.
  
• Barbers would go out of business- men wouldn't have time for their usual monthly haircut. They'd have to wait 6 months like a typical mother.
  
• A man's diet would be even worse than it already is.

I Had The Baby, And My Husband Gets All The Credit

It all starts as soon as the baby is born. The husband vanishes quickly, trotting off to announce the birth to friends and family in the waiting room. While he's getting the big congratulations; handshakes, hugs, and cigars, you're getting sewn up because the baby ripped you a new one. He gets first bragging rights while you are hoping your organs are still intact and don't fall out making that first trip to the bathroom.

You see, this drastic change in equality and sinking feeling of being taken for granted possibly for the rest of my life, all came to a surprise for me. I thought we were over that about 30 years ago. Men are supposed to be our partners 50/50 21st century, right?

I've always heard my friends comment about how good their husbands adjusted to becoming a father. As my friends distorted comments rang in my ears after the birth of my daughter, I realized I was friends with overly optimistic, bullshit peddling, nimwits. Come to find out, some of my friends' husbands were going out with buddies for a beer every day after work or they absolutely refused to change diapers. Well duh- I'd adjust to motherhood as gracefully as men adjust to fatherhood if my life pretty much carried on as usual after baby arrived.

A man changes a diaper and he's practically worshipped. But it's his choice to change diapers. If he doesn't want to, then it's typical, ok, even acceptable. Either way he's a freakin' hero. Who had the baby again? Remind me because maybe the drugs in the hospital are still messin with my mind two years later. No, it's probably the hormones, as my husband would suggest. It's always the hormones...

I shouldn't complain about my end of the deal because my husband states he does things for me all the time, including babysitting while I get a haircut, feeding baby once on the weekend, and playing with her when he feels like it. Damn those hormones, because I can't quite see how any of that is for ME. It's all for baby. After carrying the baby for 10 months, I thought we could finally be considered seperate. So not true! Doing stuff for baby automatically equates to doing something for me. How about giving baby a foot massage while I watch and live vicariously.

I stay at home with the child, which makes my title the Doormat. Oops, I mean Caregiver. However, there are many more titles implied here; cook, maid, scheduler, errand runner and personal assitant or concierge (to the man of the house).

My husband has one title at his office and he does only that job- what a concept! He's not expected to do the janitorial or secretarial work as well. I'm sure most men would be pissed if they were expected to do several other positions yet only hired for one. Better yet, let's see how productive he is when I send the toddler to work with him. Or...let's not give him an actual paycheck, but pay him by telling him he has the most important job there is.

I cook, clean, make calls, schedule appointments, run errands all in between tantrums, tears, kicking, laughing, puking, pooping, and screaming. My husband- he doesn't even know what to do with our daughter when he goes to the bathroom or takes a shower.
Final note: Mothers are amazing because they do what they have to do an nobody does it better.