A Letter To My Friends

I'm sorry you don't understand my illness- I don't understand it yet either, but I have to live with it regardless. I know it's changed my life, not yours. I'm sorry I can't babysit your kids at a moment's notice or make plans- my illness doesn't care if I make plans and it may be a good day or bad one. I'm sorry I can't run marathons with you or go camping or party or have some drinks with you. Even though I'm young, I just can't keep up with you. I'm sorry I talk about my illness- I know it doesn't pertain to your life and it's probably depressing for you. I try to tell you about it to raise awareness. I hope you can learn from my experience that being super mom or career woman of the year is not worth the potential health risks. When I see your Facebook posts, I get worn out just reading everything you've done in the last hour. Sometimes I feel inadequate because I used to be able to do everything all at once, but look where it got me. I've been forced to slow down. Most of the time, though, I feel empowered that I finally have a reason to say "no" because my body has a direct line to my brain and lets me know where my boundaries are. Maybe you feel jealous of me because I have boundaries and you are still trying to compete for mom of the year title while I'm at home actually enjoying life a little bit slower, at a pace that we humans were meant to go. Leave fast up to the 2010 sports cars and leave mutli-tasking up to computers- I will live an authentic life at a speed where I can feel, learn, and experience more. I may not have a Facebook post every hour updating you about how I've climbed Mt. Everest while doing laundry, cleaning the house, running a marathon, and working a 12 hour shift, but that is proof I'm enjoying life because I have to. I sip my tea while you gulp your espresso, I practice Tai Chi while you run a marathon, I don't have a to-do list anymore and your life is a to-do list, I'm not amibtious in the way of earning lots of money and esteem so I'm not the friend you can brag about knowing. I'm a different person now, but still a good friend even though I can't prove it to you by babysitting or helping you move, but a friend's true job is to talk with you when you experience a time in your life when you are forced to slow down. I will be the one friend who truly understands. Until then, I hope we can still be friends despite our new differences.

Love and always,
your friend on this journey

A Change of Seasons

Spring is coming. The nice weather and sun should cheer me up. It does, but not without hesitation and a sinking feeling in the back of my mind. It's bittersweet. My Rheumatoid Arthritis is manageable right now with some steroid medication, but I'm certainly not even close to being considered active. I feel so weak because one wrong step and I could injure myself easily. I have no confidence in playing outdoors- it's actually scary. The weaker my body feels, the bigger, and more intimidating, the outdoor world seems.

Spring and summer used to make me excited to go outdoors and walk, hike, play, and explore. This year I have a new body to get used to- I'm not the same as last year. I have no clue what my limitations are and I have that sinking feeling I will soon find out and be a little sadder about the change of seasons.

I think every mother feels inadequate at times, but I just hope my daughter doesn't have to wonder or wish her mother was like other kids' mothers and could go and play anytime.