In Sickness and Health....

"In sickness and health" is the verbal promise when we get married, but there is a silent and ugly caveat to that promise that lurks inside, perhaps, many of us. It goes like this: In sickness- when it's convenient, not untimely, and can't interfere with other expectations of you. Such as, you can be sick or ill, but it must not interfere with taking care of the children or other duties, even working outside the home.

When I worked in restaurants, the bosses would practically chant "I don't care what is going on with you in your life, just leave it at home and put your game face on." Same thing in a marriage- there is a status quo that is secretly supposed to be be intact. You may think you've been through a lot with your spouse, but having kids, difficult job, and deaths in the family, etc. are escapable, and eventually end. Your spouse knows how to react to those things- comfort or argue when needed. In my case right now, I need more than my spouse can give and it effects that status quo balance.

I am at the very beginning of my journey with Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and already it has taken it's toll on my marriage. Let me explain...my husband has always been the injured one; he's had 3 knee surgeries and 2 other surgeries since I've been with him. It's always been me taking care of him. The tables have turned- our roles have been reversed. I am the one in pain, and a lot of it. This isn't an easy or obvious task for my spouse to take on.

The bum deal about RA is you can't see it. You can only see what I let you, meaning I can kind of hide it, but I'll be in a lot of pain doing it. Otherwise, I sometimes walk, more like shuffle, around like an old person. Sometimes I limp to ease the walking on my joints and people just think I am injured, not something worse like a prematurely old body. If you get close, you will notice my fingers and feet, and other joints are so swollen they look recently broken.

It's hard for my spouse, or anyone else, to care for someone who isn't visibly deformed or handicapped. I understand, but it still hurts emotionally. The other day my husband and I were late for a movie and walking through the parking lot, he says "You can't walk any faster than that?" I don't think he intentionally meant to hurt my feelings. Sometimes he thinks I'm lazy when I don't get all the chores done, but I have never been lazy in my entire life, not even close.

There is resentment on my side too. My husband smokes, never exercises, and eats horrible, but I know that if he got a lifestyle related disease he would expect me to care for him- and he should, and I would. But I have a non-lifestyle illness for life that I did not inflict upon myself, and the care isn't there. RA is random and doesn't matter how healthy a person is, it strikes.

My husband is frustrated at how many little things I now need help with. The only task he really enjoys is undressing me at night- a luxury for both of us. And yes, undressing and dressing is really hard for me. I'm sure my husband is thankful I can wipe my own ass though.