My Little Inspiration

My nickname for my 2 yr old daughter, Haley, has always been “Little”. It may sound odd, but now it has meaning to me; my little inspiration.

I will be crying my eyes out while writing this entry. Haley is the best thing in my life right now and it makes me emotional just thinking about her. I think of all the things I can’t do with her anymore and it breaks my heart. She is a very physical girl and I’m not able to run around with her, take her to the park, or even lift her without killing my joints for the day. She doesn’t understand yet what‘s going on with her mom and I hate not being able to explain it to her so she doesn’t feel one ounce of rejection from me.

Not too long ago, we considered breaking the habit of her sleeping in our room, but after the pain of my RA became excruciating for me at night, I realized I couldn’t get through the night without being able to look over at her sleeping. It gives me a reason to get through the night and just barely diffuse the pain.

Just the other night we were snuggling in bed and I was about to read a story to her, but I was having problems just lifting my pillow into place and pulling the covers up- because of the RA it's hard to pull, lift, or grasp anything no matter small and inconsequential (a pillow can feel like a ton). My Little was watching me and blurted out "I'm proud of you" and smiled at me. I realized she probably didn't know exactly what that meant other than I was struggling with something, but doing my best to do it anyway. I should be proud of me- I awlways try do to what I can even if it's painful.