Why Me God?

This isn’t the first time in my life I’ve asked this question. Sometimes I feel like I’ve gone through more than most people do in a lifetime. I keep asking why because I know there must be a lesson or something God is trying to show me. God may not want me to know his plan yet, but if I don’t find out why then it’s too easy to become angry with God.

Luckily, I’ve found lessons, and reasons, for the major hardships thus far in my life; the early deaths of 2 close friends and one boyfriend, my parent’s divorce, my dad’s sex change, 2 cancer scares, and an abusive relationship, just to name a few. On the flip side, I count my blessings often and try to learn the lessons.

Recently being diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, I have to ask "why"? I've prayed on this and the resounding answer is because I’ve always been too independent and never ask for help. “I can do it myself” has been my life’s motto when handling anything physical or emotional. I realize now that had to do with not feeling worthy of help. I’ve never asked for help because it seems like everyone else has so much on their plate, I don’t want to be a bother. Also, I don’t want to feel rejection if I ask for help and get turned away. In other words, I don’t deserve people going out of their way to help me. I hated asking for help in school too- I felt dumb. My friends from childhood are shocked that I got married because I've always been so self sufficient- I reaked of "I don't need anyone else". Although, an old friend of mine, who is coincidentally now a pastor says that things can happen, even my RA, for no reason. So there may be no lesson, it just simply may be that I have RA. I almost like this answer because it's simple and I tend to get too deep sometimes and look for something where there is nothing.

Lately, I’ve been branching out because I have to (that’s my lesson. I hear you God). I ask my husband and my mom for help on an every day basis (it's a start)- a big step for me. I’ve also felt the rejection when they can’t (or won't) help me, possibly because I need too much right now. My RA journey has made me go from 100% self-sufficient to a very meager percent.